A Wake and a Birthday Party

Yesterday was a ball of interesting.

While going through my friends’ list on Facebook, I realized I hadn’t heard from a friend in a while. I looked her up, and found out that she committed suicide. The last time I talked to her, I had encouraged her to seek help, and then she stopped responding. I thought she had checked herself back into the hospital. I was wrong, and now I’m not sure how to feel.

I will miss her, but she was in a lot of pain, and just couldn’t get her shit together. Her family took advantage of her all the time, and she didn’t have many friends. When I would reach out, she mostly shot me down. It was a lose-lose for her for a long time now. I’m glad she isn’t suffering, but I’m mortified that a friend of mine has died. I guess that is mostly due to the Internet. I’d only ever really talk to her through Facebook, and because Facebook hides all kinds of posts now, I never saw her death announcement. Balls.

After that, I went to a wake. For those of you who don’t know what that is (Jenny had never been to one before), it’s like a party to remember someone. It was the wake for my friend Luke. It was a long time coming, but we wanted his family (who live out of town) to join us, so we had to wait. It was a great opportunity to remember him with good people. It was very sad, but also a chance to say good-bye. You will be missed Luke.

After the wake, we went to a birthday party, and had a great time. At one point, while playing an odd board game, we had to compete to see who could hold their breath the longest. I made myself a bit dizzy, and started seeing stars. Of course, my paranoia about hallucinations kicked in (I was seeing things, after all). I got super anxious and started shaking. That was the end of the game though, so I made a point of taking a few turns around the room, and rejoined the group.

I had a pretty decent day overall, but now, I’m left with this odd feeling. In the last couple of months, I have found out that not 1, not 2, but 3 people I know are dead. 2 to cancer, and one to suicide. Also, I have found out that 3 other people are pregnant. This is very exciting, as they are all friends, and will have children to grow up with. Plus, you know, new life and all that.

Jenny and I have begun to make some arrangements for our inevitable demise. But it still feels weird knowing that I’ll never see 3 of my few friends again. I really don’t want to die. It would suck for someone to have to go through this, just because I was too weak just one time.

I love you guys. Hugs all around.

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  1. Amy

    I am very sorry about your friend. Any death is a tragedy (well, unless you’re 100 years old and go peacefully in your sleep), but suicide really takes the cake. I am really thankful I have never been successful, and I pray I never am. It’s terrifying to know that sometimes we are well enough to realize what an irrevocable mistake suicide is, and at other times be so unwell that it makes perfect sense to commit. Whatever the afterlife holds, I hope your friend has found peace.

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