Waiting for a Message

Image: Rory Bristol

Image: Rory Bristol

There is nothing so nerve-wracking to me as waiting for someone to contact me. I spend a few minutes waiting for an email, and I feel like I’ve been waiting for hours. I start to panic.

Why haven’t I heard from them? Did I offend them? Did I say something stupid? What the shit did I do wrong?!

And then I get an email from someone who has obviously been away for lunch, happy to have heard from me. Anxiety has been the mood for me this week. It’s hard to enjoy myself, or talk to people, or work, or eat food, or go pee, or tie my shoes, or anything.

Everything just feels so impossible. I have a great job opportunity in my hands right now. I am going to work my ass off all weekend to make sure that it’s done right. It’s very exciting, but I already feel overwhelmed by it all. But when something comes up, or if I have a question, I have to email someone. I have to wait for a response before I proceed, so I don’t have to do my work all over again.

I stare at my phone, my screen, my Band. I’m just waiting for something to come through, so I will know that I’m not fired on my first fucking day. It’s exhausting, and I can’t turn it off. I can only take so many measures, before I’m out of fucks.

After that, it’s 100% faking it until I make it. That’s kind of what my day is, so far. But it’s working, so fuck it, let’s keep going.

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