With OCD, I have always had some interesting, if obvious, obsessions. Things like winking at people, or tapping my elbow. Things that are only obvious to me, like cleaning the kitchen floor with a toothbrush (because there are cracks between the boards).
But there are some sneaky ones. Devious little bastards. I’ve got a good number of them.
First, there’s cleaning. Not the scrub-the-walls-with-Pinesol type cleaning. Just the everyday keep everything clean kind. Sadly, it’s a slippery slope from “just putting things away” to “oh, let me wipe this counter” to “oh, shit, I dropped a crumb. I’d better sweep.” I get carried away, because I can justify it. It makes me feel good to clean, and it makes me feel good to see clean things. No problem there, right?
Wrong. Sadly, it becomes an obsession, and I am upset if it’s wrong. If the kids leave a glass on the counter all day (because they are smart, and don’t want to use 1,000 glasses a day) I get upset, and have to rationalize the mess. Same with the entire kitchen. If something is a little bit off, I go nuts inside. And it’s worse now, because the house is in that “mostly clean” stage. The one where cleaning for half an hour doesn’t quite feel obsessive, no matter that I meant to only be cleaning for 5 minutes.
Then there’s video games. Yes, I have been a MMO-aholic. Yes, I understand that my family comes first. But what it comes down to is this: I play video games to spend time with the people I love. Spending time online in that context is great. Spending lots more time online to get just-a-little-more-done is insane. I am upset right now because I didn’t finish a puzzle, but I’m excited because I got a bunch of achievements. That one is mostly a wash, emotionally, and Jenny plays too, so win-win, I guess. See? I can justify it!
Then there is candy. This year, Jenny and I bought day-after-holiday-sale candy. It was awesome. Except, I keep making myself sick, because I can’t completely stop eating it. Sunday, I had a sinking feeling all day. I walked around feeling like I had just fallen off of a cliff and hadn’t landed yet. It sucked, but I’m still eating it. Because it’s there. And because I can justify it, because I’ve lost so much weight over the last several months.
It’s these “justifiable obsessions” that really fuck me up. I feel like my mind will never be quiet. It sucks. Whatever. I’m going to go eat a bag of candy corn (not a little one, either).