It Can't Be Okay All The Time

Image from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdhancock/4062426885/

Image from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jdhancock/4062426885/

I fucking hate anxiety. It lies. It takes cheap blows. It makes life no fun. If you’ve read my last several posts, you know that I’ve been doing well with the anxiety and OCD lately. I knew it couldn’t last.

The other night we had friends over for our weekly game night. It was pretty awesome. Mostly. We cooked together in the kitchen, and had 7 people in my 50 square foot space. It was asses to elbows. It was great. Then I had one of my “silent” panic attacks. I started obsessing over everything, and convinced myself that I was going to burn the pie, eggs, hashbrowns, etc. I checked and re-checked everything. It didn’t help that I altered the recipe for the pie a LOT, and then the cook time was way longer than the original recipe. I didn’t burn anything, and everyone liked the pie.

After food was served, I ate very quickly, and we moved on to games while enjoying dessert. We played Trivial Pursuit, which I am terrible at. In the first turn, I got two pieces of pie, which was awesome because I was eating pumpkin pie at the same time. I then proceeded to get everything else wrong after that. My anxiety increased, and my hands started sweating.

I kept saying stupid things out of distraction. When Gary Oldman came up, I asked, “Is that the short midget black actor?” Of course, it was the actor from Fifth Element that was being discussed, but Gary Coleman was who came to mind. After much laughter, we moved on, but my anxiety just kept climbing. Also on the list of odd humor: I didn’t know who Winona Ryder was, or who Harrison Ford was. I also had no idea who John Williams was, to the great disappointment of my friends.

This kind of thing comes up fairly often. I didn’t watch much TV growing up, and I have missed out on a lot in the world of media. But last night, it just fed my anxiety. My palms got sweatier and my heart rate increased. I drank 2 quarts of lemonade just to have something to do. Then we couldn’t find our daughters, and my anxiety increased again, because they had been playing outside in the dark. After 20 minutes of calling and texting them, we realized that they were in a room downstairs, and just didn’t have their phones with them.

Finally game night wrapped up. We walked our friends to their cars. On the way, I leaned over the rail and let a good bit of lemonade and pumpkin pie pour out of me into the bushes. I had hiccuped so hard I had vomited. I’m broken, and it’s stupid, but hiccups always fuck me up. Mixed with anxiety, it was a recipe for reverse lemon flavored pumpkin pie.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have drunk so much lemonade. But it was delicious, and gave me something to do to keep from talking. Bad coping mechanism, noted.

I ended up staying awake until nearly 1 o’clock, and overslept yesterday. I woke with a knot in my stomach. It set the stage for a very hectic day, as I rushed around trying to get everything done for the day. I failed, but it was mostly okay. I made progress on stuff. Whatever.

I know I won’t ever be cured. I know I will never stop taking medication. I know it won’t always work. But I had gotten overly optimistic, and I got a shock of reality. I will have to remember to be more realistic with my goals in the future. But it’s still upsetting that I got THAT anxious. I mean, I friggin threw up! It’s been a long time since that’s happened. I guess meds can’t fix everything.

Oh well.

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11 Comments

  1. Depression, anxiety, OCD, BP2, we deal with it. We have reprieves. We know it comes back. It sucks the big one. It is just working to get to the other side of the bout. Coping the best we can and learning to find things such as something to do, a distraction, a friend’s ear and comfort, solace… It too shall pass, as it has before my friend. It, too shall pass.

  2. P.S. As a BP2, most of my stuff happens and I withdrawl and I am very good at hiding it in public for small durations. What I noted is what I do…for social situations I have to admit I’m not sure what works, Rory. Hugs

    • I don’t know what to do either. Mostly, I just keep trying to act normal, because it helps me if nobody knows at the time. It’s the only time “pulling myself up by my bootstraps” works for me. It doesn’t work well, but it gets me through the evening đŸ˜›

  3. OMG I almost had a panic attack reading this. In fact, I can feel my heart rate increasing as I type. At any rate, I suffer from GAD and get silent panic attacks in social situations when something as silly as geek trivia pops up to which I’m expected to know the answer, but actually don’t. Usually, I can fudge my way through a response, but by doing so I get sweaty palms, my face starts to go numb and my heart rate increases, too. It sucks. And then there’s the aftermath: wherein I get obsessed about the topic and learn EVERYTHING I can about it so that I’ll have an answer ready the next time it pops up. I guess the upside to that is I’ve learned a lot of awesome geeky things over the years đŸ™‚

    • I’m sorry I got your anxiety up. I too obsess over things sometimes. I just can’t make myself care about celebrities, though. My friends all know I don’t care, and we mostly get a laugh about it. It really only bothers me when I’m already anxious.

      • Oh, no worries. I’m okay đŸ™‚ Part of the problem is that I’m the only geek in the group and I do know a lot about comics, movies and the like, but not everything. Even I have my limits. Heh.

    • I really, truly need to meet you one day, Mark. I’m glad I found you as a friend. You just get more interesting as time goes on.

      • Haha! Thanks, Jenny. I’d love to meet you guys, too, one day. I love and appreciate what you share over Facebook, and you know I’m a fan of your writing. Rory’s blog is pretty damn rad, too.

  4. Lues

    Since having my first panic attack I have been doing lots of research. The “aftershocks” are getting better, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Reading things like this help me understand what is happening to me. Thanks bro. You are doing good for many people, Rory.

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