The last couple of weeks have been a little rough around here. I feel like I can’t move. I feel like I’m going to be sick all the time, and I’m not eating enough. I’m having a hell of a time making myself exercise and I’m sleeping in really late every day. I could blame the cold, and the fact that it gets dark early. I could blame my monumental work load, and many other things. The truth is, I’m fucking depressed.
Part of it is seasonal depression. It gets dark early, so it’s hard for me to judge the time by how dark it is. This usually ends with me staying up really late because I don’t know what time it is until someone asks. It also means I eat erratically, because I can’t make myself eat supper at 4:30, but I normally eat when it’s just getting dark outside.
Another part of it is just feeling alone all the time. I am surrounded by awesome people. I’ve been working really hard at investing in time with them all. I want to keep my friendships strong. It’s just hard sometimes, because I feel like they don’t like me, or that I’m a burden. I know this stuff isn’t true, but depression lies, and all that.
I also feel like nothing matters. Not in an “I should just end it all” kind of way, more in a “Why get up?” kind of way. Work, writing, eating, cleaning, everything. It all feels like a huge pointless task. Why bother eating when I’ll still be hungry after I stuff myself? Why clean when another mess is waiting to be made? Why on Earth would I write my blog when I know nobody reads it?
The answers are simple. I get up because I have a wonderful life. I work because I love my family, and myself. I eat because I want to be healthy. I clean because it makes me feel good. It doesn’t matter that I’ll still be hungry, or that the house will get messy again. What matters is that I keep doing it, and that I don’t let depression win.
Finally, I write my blog for myself. I happen to also have a TON of readers, which makes me feel pretty damned awesome. You guys make my day. Not just when you comment, but when you read. If you didn’t know this, I can see how many views I get each day. I won’t share those numbers here, but I am consistently surprised that I have so many readers. You guys are damned awesome. I love you all.