I know most of you will find this hard to believe, but I almost never drive. If you had to drive a certain number of hours per year to maintain a licence, then I wouldn’t have one. I don’t own my own car, and Jenny drives everywhere. There are multiple reasons for this.
1) I am occasionally suicidal. Driving into oncoming traffic doesn’t scare me sometimes, which is scary in and of itself.
2) I’m easily distracted. I have a hard time driving in traffic, because I forget to pay attention to ALL THE THINGS at once.
3) I sleep when I’m warm. I either have to keep the ac on, or the windows down. Neither of these conditions are acceptable to anyone, including me. Because being cold sucks. Also, I physically cannot stay awake if I get too warm. No matter how important, urgent, whatever, the drive is. I WILL fall asleep if I get hot.
4) I can’t drive a stick. Yup, I’m a grown ass man who has driven less than many 16 year-olds.
Jenny and I have been working on things, trying to find ways that I can help with the general driving routines. Mostly, this accounts for our trips to and from Phoenix when we take the kids to their father’s house. It’s about 125 miles each way. It adds up to a lot of driving.
We went to a party last night, and came home very late. Like, “no cars on the road” late. So I volunteered to drive part of the way, because it was late, and Jenny was tired.
NOBODY DIED! I stalled out a couple of times though. Once at a stoplight, and once while trying to park. Otherwise, I did well! I know some of you are going to think this is dumb, but it’s a big deal to me. Trusting myself to keep myself, Jenny, and our car safe – big deal. I’m proud of myself, because just a couple of months ago, I’d have laughed you out of the room if you’d asked me to drive 60 miles in our car. Mostly because I wouldn’t have tried.
I’m changing, and it feels awesome. I’m still trying to figure out what my “new normal” is going to be like. Living with significantly lowered anxiety and suicidal thoughts is a big deal. It’s changing the way I see myself, and the things I can let myself do.
Thanks to all my friends who attended the party at the Trethwy home. It was nice to see you all. Extra love goes out to Pati. I’m sorry we didn’t get more time to talk, I was heavily distracted by food, friends, and most notably, kids.