Depression is hard on everyone, not just the person that is depressed. Thing is, everyone has to deal with an apathetic, emotionally absent version of me right now. Most of this is due to Christmas, but a big part of it is just plain old depression. Nothing seems interesting. I feel kinda stuck, because I don’t know how to enjoy anything I could be doing.
It seems like everyone else is having fun. The kids have interesting activities, and they have the youth-like wonder that makes them really enjoy everything. Pretty regularly, Jenny receives packages for work. These are often boring things, like baby books, but sometimes, it’s awesome electronics (often she has to return these). Recently, Jenny got a new electronic. It’s for work, not for play, but I want to play with it, dammit!
This makes me feel guilty, because it’s not mine. It’s hers, and she needs to discover the functionality of it for herself. She has to figure out how things work, so that she can review it properly. I feel selfish, because all I want right now is to play with what I see as “Jenny’s new toy.”
I know that it’s not okay to take that away from her. I know it’s jealousy and envy that make the new electronic look so enticing. But dammit, nothing is interesting, and there is this perfectly awesome thing calling my name, and I have to ignore it. Sad face.
It’s just hard to take a step back when the one thing I feel like I would enjoy is not mine to enjoy. It makes me feel punished, when in reality, it has nothing to do with me. I promise, I’m not whining here. I just don’t have a working solution for this. I’m genuinely happy that Jenny has a new toy, but I’m sad I don’t have one, too.
Other things that only seem interesting when someone else is doing them: Work, crafts, reading, building with Lego bricks, and drawing. All those things scream SHINY to me, until I do them for myself.
So, I’m trying to take a step back. We’ll see what happens.
P.S. I know I’m super depressed for one good reason: I want to eat everything in the house. Even the shit I don’t like. I have no idea what to do about that, other than to eat all the veggies I can get my hands on, while I’m still willing to eat them.