Over the next couple of days, I’m going to talk about why I’m crying so much lately.
First on the list: Death. Specifically, end of life paperwork. Jenny and I are writing our wills. It’s hard to think about who will get what when I die. How do I choose who in my life gets my possessions? What should be done with my body? Do I want a funeral?
Even harder: How do I make sure everyone is honored by my death? The easiest option is to not kill myself. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m giving up on them. I hope I die a peaceful death, for the sake of the people I leave behind. My only real plan is to live as long as possible, and to make sure the people who are precious to me know it.
Planning the funeral is kind of fun, strangely enough. I am writing lists of jokes I want told at my funeral, and some of the best stories. There will also be a little bit of an if-you-didn’t-know list of facts about me. It is fun thinking about how everyone will be scandalized by my funeral. I have some other specific things in mind for the ceremony, so it will be as happy a thing as possible, I hope. I know people will cry. I just hope they laugh.
In the end, I’m not planning on dying anymore. I’m planning on taking care of people when I’m gone. It is an interesting position to be in. It’s sad to think that I will be missed. It’s also sad to think that I will leave a hole in others’ lives. So I am sitting here, writing letters to the people I will leave behind, and mourning the fact that they will have to read them.
I’m sorry I will die someday. I promise to try to make it as far in the future as possible.