^That is the number one search term that brings people to my page. If you are reading this because you want an answer to that question, then here you go.
Stop reading this post and call someone. If you don’t know who to call, let’s start with 911. If you think you are a current danger to yourself, please grab your phone and call.
If you are uncomfortable calling 911 for some reason, or if you think you are not at “that point” yet, than call the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. It is absolutely free and anonymous. They are amazing, and I’ve called them twice. They are much more helpful than this page.
If you call either place (which you should), honestly answer the questions they ask.
The first one is always “Is this an emergency?” They are not trying to get rid of you. Don’t feel guilty. They need to know. If you are calling 911, then they will take care of you from there. If you are calling the hotline, they usually ask this, so they can suggest you call 911 if you need to. After that, the hotlines have a variety of questions. Your mileage may vary.
Are you seeing a doctor for mental health help? Do you know where your nearest hospital is? Do you know how to find affordable help?
They can answer all these questions for you. They are professionals, and they are great listeners. They may counsel you about what services you can find. They also just want to listen. Many many many of them have been there. They get it, for real.
If you don’t want to call someone, here are my suggestions:
Talk to someone. I don’t care who. Your family, friend, boss, regular doctor, it doesn’t matter. Open up and talk. You can ALWAYS email me. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. I may not get your email in the middle of the night, or at any particular time during the day, but I ALWAYS check my email. I would like to remind you that I am NOT a professional, but I do care. I will listen to anything.
One thing: If you email me, admitting to some kind of criminal behavior, I have to report it to the cops. Nothing personal, I just have to cover my ass.
If you can’t bring yourself to call for help, or talk to someone, I suggest writing everything down. Write down the way you are feeling, what you are thinking, what your brain is telling you.
Remember – Depression is a lying bastard. It never tells the truth. You are ALWAYS better than Depression says you are. Also, give yourself a break. Read over what you have written. Take a highlighter and a red pen to it. Highlight the things that you can actually address, such as taking a shower if you feel dirty, or trying to spend time with other people. Take a red pen to the lies. The things that are not true. You know which ones they are. They are the nonsensical ones that your brain is obsessed with.
Take that list, and make yourself some realistic goals. Write those goals down and put them where you will see them all the time. Get some of the “Because I Said I Would” cards. They are little miracles. Make promises to yourself, and then keep them, because you are worth it.
No matter what you do, or how you look for help, remember that you are alive. Right now, you are a human being. You deserve love, and compassion, and life. You are valuable. You are special. You don’t have to feel unique to be special. The fact that you are you is special enough.
If you are still reading this, then you probably need some cheering up. I will share a secret with you. Follow these directions. Don’t peek, just follow them.
1) Grab a mirror, or your camera phone, whatever.
2) Look at yourself. Your brain may have already told you to do this in some negative way. Just trust me. Look at yourself.
3) Smile. Fake it! Make some creepy villain smile if you need to. Bonus points if you use your eyebrows!
4) Keep smiling.
5) Inside your head, sing some silly song from when you were a kid. If you need ideas, I like “Mary had a little lamb.”
6) Still inside your head, sing it again, this time with gusto!
7) Keep smiling!
Repeat as needed.
At some point in this, you should have started smiling for real. Maybe you even laughed at yourself. Maybe you just read ahead, skipped doing the instructions, and are laughing at me now. Whatever you have to do, get a laugh. If you really need help getting a laugh, see the pictures below. Once you have had a laugh, forgive yourself a little. Nobody is perfect, but you aren’t broken either, okay? You have this under control.
Just don’t kill yourself. That’s the only way you lose in all of this. Everything else is a win, okay? Good. I love you. Really, I do. I know, I’m just some strange guy on the interwebs, but I cannot tell you how much I love every single person in the world. Sometimes I love it all so much it hurts, but I still love you. Yes, you, personally. Feel free to email me, and I will tell you exactly that, customized with your name and everything!
Now, on to the funny pictures.