Today, I feel the weight of Depression holding me down. My vision, typing speed, communication skills, and focus are all diminished. My emotions sit in a pile in front of me, and are like a bizarre abstract sculpture, disorganized and baffling. But more than anything, I feel like I’m in Sleep Mode.
You know the drill. You don’t want to shut down your computer, so you don’t lose your work. You also don’t want to pay for the power and bandwidth used by a computer running all day. So you put it to sleep. That’s where I am today.
I’m still plugged in. I still have a place to be. I’ve got power, and can access all my software. I’ve got processing power, and all my hardware is perfectly functional. But, for some reason, I’m unable to do my stuff. There is this undefined filter between me and my world. I’m connected to my router properly, and I can access the internet, except that I can’t.
Just as a computer is perfectly useful before and after sleep mode, I am in great shape when I’m not depressed. But that button is pressed. I’m down, but not out. I’m on, but not up. I’m in this limbo where I can’t do my job because something is there, keeping me from loading my drivers and sending my packets.
If your friendly neighborhood IT guy (or doctor) were to check things over, they’d say everything works fine. All the tests in the world will say there’s nothing wrong, except that nothing is happening. Thankfully, a computer can be woken up with a click of a mouse, or stoke of a key.
Unfortunately, there’s no equivalent for Depression. No way to un-press the button. No “wake up” protocol. At some point, I’ll wake up. But I won’t know when, and I won’t know when that button will be de-pressed again. All I can do is run when I can, and rest when I can’t run. It’s that simple.
zooey