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Three routers later, we are connected to the internet again! This is exciting.
On to more interesting things!
I’m finding myself more and more anxious as Christmas nears. This time last year, I was seriously undermedicated, I had lost my job, moved in with my girlfriend, and had plans to spend Christmas with an entire family of people I barely knew. This year, I’ve got much better medications, I am working, I am living with my fiance, and I’m planning on spending Christmas with my family.
But I feel like it’s all going to blow up any second. T – 4 days before I implode. In years past, I’ve spent Christmas day bailing out my stepdad, cleaning up broken pieces of my bedroom ceiling, and, in one notable case, nursing a kitten from the brink of death. I’m used to things going crazy at Christmas. This year, is too….sane. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m dealing with feelings of guilt. Guilt that people are doing too much for me, guilt that I’m not doing enough for others, guilt that I didn’t send out $100 bucks in holiday cards. It’s a little overwhelming. Combined with the depression, I’m having a bit of a hard time. It’s okay, though. I know my friends love me, and so does my family. I know that I love them, and that whatever I do will be enough for them. It will all be okay. I just need to say that about 6,000 more times between now and Christmas morning. That’s about once a minute for the next several days. I can do that! Thanks, obsession!
Tomorrow is a big day. I’m going to George’s mom’s house to support him while he talks to her about his situation. I’m his “depression wing-man.” I’ll be there to needle him when he clams up. I won’t be keeping him honest, but I will make sure he is being thorough. His mom needs to know what’s going on. If you ever need help talking to a loved one, sometimes, another loved one is good for you. One that will kick you in the tail if you start avoiding things is bonus awesome.
Yes, I just called myself “bonus awesome” in a backhanded kind of way. It’s okay though, because I am, in fact, bonus awesome. That’s why I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking that I’m a p.o.s… It’s because I didn’t live up to my “bonus awesome” standard for the day. Okay, now I’m just saying shit. I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.