My memory is shot. I am having a terrible time remembering anything, including my meds, my routine, and where I put my mandolin (it’s not like it’s hiding under a shoe!). I’m getting a bit frustrated with all of this, because it means I am also forgetting to post! Please bear with me while I try to keep things straight. I don’t mean to worry anyone, I just want you to understand why I may seem a bit sporadic.
Jenny has noticed, and is helping me keep track of most things, but forgetting is only one small part of my altered mindset. I don’t eat. I am never hungry. I’m amazed if I eat more than a cup of food. The other day, I had a second piece of cake, and my friends were understandably shocked. I have lost twenty-one pounds in three weeks. It’s averaging out to be about a pound a day. I hate chocolate. I crave protein like crazy. My body is telling me what it wants, instead of me relying on junk food eating habits. I think I am mostly forgetting about my appetite, and the eating habits of my past.
There’s also the nightmares. They are gone. In their wake, they have left an onslaught of extraordinary dreams that are all too reminiscent of my own past. I dream of nightmarish quotes from my childhood. I hear my father’s voice, for the first time since he died, two years ago. I see my mother’s face, from a time when she wasn’t scarred and torn to bits by her various illnesses and addictions. I remember the unfortunate, sometimes unforgivable mistakes I have made. The worst part of these dreams is that they linger. I have to deal with them days later… sometimes at the most unfortunate possible moments. I wish I could just forget it all again. I mean, my brain had a reason for blocking these things out, didn’t it?
I forget my service dog exists. I don’t remember to walk him, or to feed him. I don’t remember to play with him. The kids play with him, and Jenny helps me remember to feed him. She prompts me to take walks, and to take Gabriel with me. It helps so much. I get out on a walk, and I remember that I’m supposed to train him as we go along. I remember how difficult some things are for him. It’s good for both of us… I just have to remember.
So yeah. The side effects are a little bizarre. I am just hoping that things will even out in the end. I have an appointment on Friday. I will get to sit down with someone who has been in my shoes (and might well still be in ’em) and talk about all of this. I’m taking Jenny with me. I gotta make sure it’s all out there, and not lingering behind some fifteen-year-old memory of being a know-it-all in the fourth grade.